


Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory of the Burning of the School

by ModernWizard



Series: The Demon's Daughter [7]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Boarding School, Choosing a college, College, Crowley and his genderfluids, Defending Antonia J. Crowley's honor, Duelling, Gen, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Heck the witch, Heck the witch formerly known as Warlock, Homophobia, Multi, SUNY Plattsburgh, Song Parody, Spite as primary motivation, The Battle Hymn of the Republic, Trans Warlock, Trans Warlock Dowling, Winslow Holm School for Boys, heck, that time Heck accidentally on purpose burned down her school, the wrath of Heck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-06 18:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20511290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: [In which Heck is 18, with a significant flashback to when she was 11.] Heck the witch (formerly known as Warlock), has finally chosen which college to attend. In an excited chat, she tells her Hellmom Crowley and her Angeldad Aziraphale the good news. The epic saga touches upon an analysis of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, an ambush from Thaddeus J. Dingleberry, that time that Aziraphale defended 90% of Antonia J. Crowley's honor in a duel, Heck's real reasons for picking the school she did, the real story of the Symbolic Burning of Selected Papers from Hated Classes, how Heck caused the downfall of the Winslow Holm School for Boys, and why she's going back to upstate New York. A wild ride indeed.





	1. Stomping Victoriously

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: This story refers in general terms to the misery Heck experienced at boarding school as a result of homophobic, transphobic, gender-based bullying, though nothing is explicit. This story also tells about how Heck caused and then escaped a fire on campus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck has decided which college she wants to go to! And so she hops online and chats with her Hellmom and Angeldad, getting onto a rather long tangent about grammar, spider funerals, flying Black Velvet petunias, and the meaning of "Let the hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with his heel." You know -- as one does.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** glory glory hallelujah!

i have finally chose a school-yah

soon ill go to college

and learn a lot of knowledge

and escape from my mom’s house!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Congratulations, Heck sweetheart! I know that you’ve been lucubrating over this momentous decision for weeks now, and I’m sure that you feel great relief to be unburdened of such a choice.

**SubversiveSnark:** Well, thank Satan and all his attendants!

Because if I have to hear one more pros and cons list, I’m gonna discorporate

Just kidding, just kidding

Can I hear a WAHOO?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha

hi angeldad!

hi hellmom!

im guessing its crowley right?

because it would be soooooo unladylike of nanny to do something like jump up and cheer

anyway

WAHOOOOOOOO!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Actually, dear heart, it should be “chosen.”

**SubversiveSnark:** Yup yup yup, it’s me

Dude of Great Coolness

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** huh?

**SubversiveSnark:** What do you mean HUH?

Are you implying I’m UNCOOL or something?

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no sorry hellmom

that was to angeldad

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** “I have finally  _ chosen _ a school (yah).” That’s the correct past participle.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i know

but it didnt fit the meter

anyway ive been marching around singing that song all day at the top of my lungs

its very good for stomping around

**PrincipallyAziraphale: ** Oh yes, it’s a favorite in Heaven for rousing the troops to the righteous (?) cause of the moment.

**SubversiveSnark:** You lot can be such prigs

I swear, you could stomp indignantly to a lullaby if you were all morally indignated enough

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** _Indignant._

**SubversiveSnark:** That too

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no but really

theres a lot of victorious stomping in it

you know

he is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored

let the hero born of woman crush the serpent with his heel

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Ow!

Please don’t.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh sorry

i didnt mean you, snake of critical thinking!

youre my bestest snakemom

and id never step on you ever ever ever

or any other snake or reptile or animal ever for that matter

you know i have problems

like serious problems

when there are spiders in my shower right?

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** But why? The spiders one commonly finds in one’s home eat those insects that your species often considers obnoxious, so wouldn’t you find that a benefit?

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well first of all

we all know that my mom cant stand bugs

and i know spiders arent bugs

but she thinks anything small and squirmy is a bug

including worms and minnows

when she finds a spider in the bathroom she will not go back in

unless i remove it

then she sterilizes the tub or sink or whatever

and uses the other bathroom for at least 2 days

anyway

sometimes theres a spider in the shower, and i dont notice

so im taking a shower, and i realize

IVE DROWNED A SPIDER

and its very traumatizing

it haunts me all day

the guilt i mean, not the spider

i used to collect them in little boxes and make mass graves for them in the park

but then mom found my box of spiders

and flipped the me out

so now i bury them one at a time

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Individual spider burials

You realize this is your fault, right Francis?

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hmph. I see no fault. I see only the noblest spirit of compassion developed to an exquisite degree all too rare among humans these days. Besides, I daresay it’s rather  _ Gothic  _ for a child to be so attuned to life’s mortal frailty that she mourns all deceased arachnids with coffins and burials. And the responsibility for  _ that _ morbidity would be all upon your shoulders,  _ my dear Nanny. _

  
  


**HeckCreepyCrawly:** anyway i never understood that bit

let the hero born of woman crush the serpent with his heel

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** OW!

  
  


**HeckCreepyCrawly:** oh shit sorry mom

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** No that wasn’t for you

My ineffable spouse is just poking me to the tune of The Battle Hymn Of The Republic for some reason

For Satan’s sake this is an annoying song

I think he’s trying to crush me with his heel

Now I’m morally indignated, time for REVENGE!!!!

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Sweetheart, I should like to inform you about your mother’s abysmal conduct. He just lobbed a pot of Black Velvet petunias at me and (horror of horrors!) shed potting soil upon my trousers. Fool! For this outrage against the Principality Aziraphale, thou shalt be  _ smited most horribly. _

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Hey kid, I would like to complain about your dad’s abysmal treatment. He just tried to whack me with some smelly ol’ book about blowing a bugle.

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale: ** _ The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstruous Regiment of Women!  _

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Okay well if I see any monstrous women marching around, I’ll tell them you’re not a fan. Funny innit...how being smited looks a lot like being pinned down by a fat angel?

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** A fat angel who is stronger than you, thank you very much.

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh no. I’m being smited. Help help. I’m being smited. Oh Satan. No.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i mean, why is it

“the hero born of WOMAN???”

it was written in the civil war

the us one

so there couldnt have been any “hero born of trans guy” back then

or “hero born of test tube”

or “hero made by cloning”

so thats just redundant

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Ask the angel about that. Definitely NOT my circus, NOT my monkeys.

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** The phrase “born of woman” emphasizes the mortal part of Jesus’ dual human and godly nature, as, being born to a human, he was partially human, as well as partially divine.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay that sort of makes sense

i guess

i mean, if you believe that the holy spirit or whatever can just fly around distributing dna

and this is why im a witch 

because christianity makes no sense

all our gods have bodies

or at least they have them when they have sex with mortals

so at least you can figure out where the demigods come from


	2. SUNY Plattsburgh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's where Heck's going, and she's sick of people asking her why she didn't choose some more prestigious place. She tells her Hellmom and Angeldad about a surprise college-related run-in she had with Thaddeus J. Whocares, which prompts Aziraphale to some rather, erm, stabby indignation.

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** So, Heck sweetheart, where are you going?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh yeah

i guess i didnt mention that huh?

haha!

im going to

wait for it

wait for it

SUNY PLATTSBURGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Congratulations, Heck dear!!!!!

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Congratulations! I’m so very, very, very, very proud of my hellspawn!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Where is Plattsburgh?

  


**SubversiveSnark: ** (I do believe that you’ve misspelled _ sunny.) _

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh my godsssssss!!!

you two are THE DORKIEST

1 — plattsburgh is in new york, on lake champlain, way upstate, like right by canada

2 — suny is state university of new york, its an abbreviation

3 — now YOURE gonna ride my ass about grammar too crowley?!?!?!?!?!?!? stfu noob :p

  


**SubversiveSnark:** I beg your pardon, child, but did you just tell me to stfu?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** nannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

when did you get here?

did the genderfluids start sloshing for joy or something, haha???

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh no, the change was a deliberate tactical maneuver employed to remove my ineffable spouse’s rear from my back.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** how does that work???

  


**SubversiveSnark: **Aziraphale suddenly discovers the dangers of trying to flatten a lady.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I’m lodging a complaint about your _ monstruous regiment, _ dear heart.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** No, you’re not. You’re sitting your posterior on the couch and not trying to inflict it upon me.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Why, so I am!

  


**SubversiveSnark:** So...hellspawn...what led you to pick SUNY Plattsburgh? (Is it sunny there?)

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, I must say I’m surprised at your choice. What factors made you

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** uuuuggggggghhhh

mom!!!!!!!! dad!!!!!!!

not you guys too!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what you’re referring to?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** everyones like

but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy didnt you choose smith

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy didnt you choose amherst

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy didnt you wait to see if you got off the harvard waitlist

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy a suny?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

its not even a good one, blah blah no distinguished scholarship, blah blah blah plattsburgh is a dump, blah blah blah upstate ny is a dump, blah blah anything outside of the city is a dump blah blah

youre wasting your opportunity as a potential harvard legacy

youre wasting your potential on an education barely better than community college

your entire life is a meaningless WASTE if you dont go to the right school!!!!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Sweetheart, let me assure you — that’s not what I meant at all. I was surprised by your choice only because, the last that we heard from you, you had no clear favorite. All your options looked equally promising. I would have been surprised no matter what you chose, and I would certainly never, ever demean your selection, no matter what it is.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, please don’t think that Aziraphale and I were expecting you to go to Amherst or any of the others. We weren’t, not at all. We’re really quite uninformed about colleges and universities, especially across the pond. You, having done all your research and visited all the campuses and made all your pros and cons lists, know much more than we do. That’s why I was asking you why you picked SUNY Plattsburgh. Obviously you’re an expert in what you want and what you’re looking for, so I wanted to know how, in your expert opinion, why SUNY Plattsburgh satisfied your criteria. 

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay okay

sorry

obviously i was projecting

its been like an interrogation for the past 6 mos

everyone acts like its The Most Important Decision You Ever Make

all the pressure you feel as the perfectionistic kid of perfectionistic parents is ratcheted up to like 11

and i just want to slither under a rock and hide for the rest of the school year

im sorry

i didnt mean to go off on you two

youre right, youre like 2 of the only people who haven’t been like that

youve just been nice and supportive and nonjudgey all along

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Who, if I might ask, has been harassing you about Amherst etc.?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh you know

advanced placement teachers

i mean they dont say “but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

but they do this weird jump and and eyebrow thing

and you can tell that they were expecting me to say harvard or smith or something

harriets friends

shes actually been great about creating a No College Talk Zone in the house

she knows its pissing me off

but sometimes her friends start in on me

then i just excuse myself to the bathroom, and she kicks their ass

oh yeah

and

of course

thaddeus j dingleberry himself

who popped up out of nowhere last week, tried to take me out to dinner,

and said he’d pay for everything if i went to harvard

of course that just made me never want to go there in my life

  


**SubversiveSnark: **Well, I’m very sorry to hear that your teachers and your mother’s friends are foisting their expectations onto you. At the same time, I’m very gratified to know that you and your mother have a way to deal with people who annoy you with conversations about college. 

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, sweetheart. I am so very pleased that your mother is enthusiastically kicking her friends’ asses on your behalf if they bring up Amherst etc. I know that you’re ambivalent about trusting your mother’s newfound enthusiasm over you as her trans daughter. I do hope that you accept her allyship on the college front, though.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh believe me, i do

and alectos kicking the ass of any of her customers who interrogate me at the salon

and arugulas just made a flat out BAN of college talk in her house

(shes taking a year off and helping her parents rebuild the pinecones for toilet paper camp, winterizing it, making it a farm or something?) 

(anyway she said shed scream if someone else said “BUT WHYYYYYYYY arent you going to school next year?” so she shut that right the heck down)

so anyway my squads on my side

although i had to deal with thaddeus j ambush alone

  


**SubversiveSnark:** In my fantasies, I surmise that you told him to go to Hell. Of course, that wouldn’t be fair to Hell because then _ they’d _ have to deal with him…

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** He’d fit right into the Heavenly hierarchy, however, moral righteousness and all.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** sorry nanny

i wasnt a badass or anything

i was kinda surprised when he came up to me when i was walking home from school by myself

he gave me his spiel, i felt all barfy,

i said “i cant deal with this right now”

ran into a bodega, hid in the bathroom

texted him from there that i wasnt going to accept his bribes

then snuck out the back way

and took the long way home

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh, dear heart, that’s horrible!! Why, that’s simply shameful, to corner you in public when you were alone like that! 

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, child, I’m really very sorry that you had to deal with that — and by yourself as well. He’s a formidable figure who has held a lot of control over you and your childhood. Of course you felt anxious and intimidated! 

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** The bully! The petty tyrant! How dare he stoop to such coercion?

  


**SubversiveSnark: ** Your response was quite badass indeed, in my opinion. You told him no, absconded, reiterated the no, and disappeared. Setting your limits clearly and then doing what you have to do to make yourself safe is always, always, _ always _ badass, even if it doesn’t feel particularly satisfying.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale: ** The temerity, to presume that my daughter, _ my _ hellspawn, a person of the utmost goodness, sweetness, canniness, and unimpeachable character, could be bribed! The very _ idea _ is offensive.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Please govern yourself, angel. Our child is here. She’s all right. She acted appropriately, and Mr. Dowling is now out of the picture. 

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** hes offensive

its okay though, really it is

harriet kicked his ass, very politely but still…

i think it finally dawned on him that that wasnt the best way to congratulate your daughter about getting into certain colleges

he texted me an apology the next day and wanted to get lunch

i told him i was violently ill with food poisoning

im going to keep being violently ill anytime he invites me anywhere until he gets the hint

  


**SubversiveSnark: **How are you feeling now? (Big tight snaky hugs!)

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** (smaller tight not-quite-so-snaky hugs back!)

well i was shaken up when it happened

just last friday

thats why i didnt tell you

because i was just like wtf??????!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

and then all the college decision stuff just fell into place this weekend

so i thought id start with the good news first

but im cool now

did my candle meditation

talked to persephone

didnt hear anything back

that sort of thing

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale: ** I should like to smite _ him _ for mistreating you so! Say the word, Heck, and I shall.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Angel dear, I know that you’re upset, and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be. I am too. And yet your response is still slightly over the top. No one is hurt. No permanent damage is done. Mr. Dowling will not be doing it again. Smiting is definitely not called for in this case.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ummmmm

what do you mean, smite?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I shall eliminate any threat of his ever perturbing you again.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** im uncomfortable with eliminating threats

it sounds like gangsters talking about who theyre going to kill

im gonna go with nanny on this one

no smiting in this case

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Very well. But remember that my sword is at your service, should you need it.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i thought it got picked up by the delivery person after the apocashit????

  


**SubversiveSnark: **Right, so now his fencing foil is at your service.


	3. Defending the Hellcat's Honor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tangent time! Nanny (NANNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!) and Aziraphale recount the tale of Aziraphale defending Antonia J. Crowley's honor in Banstead Downs in the 1630s. We learn about at least one other woman that Crowley used to be and what happens to his genders/forms when he's done with them.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh wow aziraphale you fence?!?!??

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale: **Yes, I have for centuries. I find it an invigorating marriage between physical and mental fitness. It is much like dancing!

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** did you ever do swordfights?

  


**SubversiveSnark:** He defended about 90% of my honor once in a duel.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ah ha ha!

what happened to the other 10%?????

details details!!!!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Crowley and I were at a pub in Banstead Downs sometime in the 1630s, I think…

  


**SubversiveSnark:** I should put in here that my two humanoid genders/selves at this time were 1) Anthony J. Crowley much as he is today and b) Antonia J. Crowley, who was — shall we say? — definitely not your Nanny.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She was much the same in temperament as her masculine counterpart, though rather more flirtatious, fond of instigating and then winning pub brawls. You know — as formidable as Nanny, but in quite a different way.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** damn mom!!!!!!

you were quite the

uh

i dunno what

if i say something like spitfire or feisty it sounds condescending

because you know thats what they call “strong female characters” who are “strong-willed” and “high-spirited” and i hate all those terms

but whatever it was

you were quite a lot of it!!!!!

  


**SubversiveSnark:** I had the term _ hellcat _ used of me frequently. Apparently humans don’t distinguish well between _ cat-like _ eyes and hisses and _ snake-like _ eyes and hisses when someone with both is thoroughly subduing them.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** damn mom!!!!!!!

i gotta ask though

you said youve had lots of forms and lots of genders

and apparently lots of variations of personality to go with them

but what happens when youre done with one??

where do the used ones go???

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Into the recycling bin, mostly. I break them down and use them as pieces for other forms.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so

um

where did the flirty fighting hellcat go?????

because i dont see you really doing any of that

in any of your forms right now

unless im missing something?????

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** The hellcattery went to Nanny, and the flirtatiousness went to Crowley. The latter just happens to be directed exclusively at me these days, sometimes in the form of airborne Black Velvet petunias.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** haha!!!!

okay so anyway

defending 90% of antonias honor???

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Anyway...Crowley was not having a good night. Despite the fact that she hadn’t been drinking, she spoke and acted as if she had already imbibed quite heavily.

  


**SubversiveSnark: ** In my defense, I should say that Aziraphale had accidentally on purpose kissed me _ on the mouth _ the week before, so my synapses were scorched into a permanent state of shock. I endeavored to be charming, but I was mostly semi-incoherent.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** It was an unhappy crowd too, spoiling for a fight. You could have said anything and they would have taken it as either a double entendre, an insult, or both.

  


**SubversiveSnark: **I was playing flapdragon with a young woman that I wanted to get to know better. In case you’re wondering, flapdragon is a game where you pour a bowl of brandy, light it on fire, drop raisins into it, and then pick the raisins out and eat them. I, being, of course, as quick as a snake, was quite good at it.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** She was not, however, so good at chatting with her would-be friend. I believe that she said something like, “Oi there, you’ve got two raisins down your front,” a statement that her interlocutor interpreted as casting aspersion on the size of her breasts.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Since her breasts were, to continue the fruit metaphor, approximately the size of canteloupes, I to this day have no idea why she took offense.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** omgggggggggg

crying laughing here

i cant believe nanny of all people is talking about the size of someones tits!!!!!!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, one thing led to another. The young gentleman accompanying the, uh, flapdragon woman thought that his partner had been insulted. Upon hearing that I was Antonia’s, uh, accompaniment, her challenged me to a duel. I declined, and Antonia and I took a coach out of town at all speed.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Now Banstead Downs was known as a destination for the wealthy at that time. Bandits often hid in the heaths surrounding the area, setting upon and robbing travelers. Guess what happened to us? 

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** highwaypersons!!!!!!!!!!

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Well, two highwaypersons. One was the gentleman from the pub, while the other was someone we couldn’t recognize. Aziraphale did not want to fight at all, but the gentleman from the pub still demanded his satisfaction.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I was pressed so hard that I was forced to take up my sword in self-defense. Even though I wounded the man with a stab to the belly, he fought wildly. I pleaded with him that we didn’t have to do this. We could settle this in secrecy, say that we were satisfied, and go away with all reputations intact and no one the wiser. He refused.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** At this point, the other highwayperson and I had exchanged enough looks to agree that the man was...not in his right mind at the moment. We tried to pull him away from Aziraphale, but his strength seemed to have increased with his fury. He fought us off. He knocked Aziraphale to the ground and stood over him to strike a killing blow (or whatever one does with those kind of blades) — 

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and then what happened??????

tell me tell me!!!!!

**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Then I remembered that I had wings, so I pulled them out of Uncertainty Space, turned up the ineffable glow, and said something like, “In Heaven’s name, forswear thy wrath!”

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** omg omg omgggggggggg

what happened next????? what what what???????

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Then I remembered that I was a demon, so I performed a little hellicle and got rid of the attacker’s sword.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh thank the gods phewwwwwwww

i mean

thank the angel and the demon haha!!!!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** To make a long story short, the gentleman turned out to be a gentlewoman. She and her love (the one that Antonia so offended) intended to elope, but various misfortunes left them with just enough money to get drunk. The gentlewoman’s pursuit of me and her frenzied fighting were born of frustration and despair. Naturally we gave them material aid and sent them off, if not happily, then at least with considerably more hope.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **oh. my. gods.

thats wild!!!!!!

i think there are romance novels with plots like that???

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes, and they’re quite delightful. They always remind me of that time.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** but what about only defending 90% of nannys honor?

i mean antonias?

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Well, the duel was about 90% through when Aziraphale whipped out his wings, so my honor wasn’t _ fully defended, _you see.


	4. Motivated By Spite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck explains why she wants to go to SUNY Plattsburgh. Answer: Mostly spite. She also makes a startling confession about her time at boarding school.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay

well

that was a wild ride

anyone still want to hear why i chose suny plattsburgh after all that excitement???

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh yes! Yes, we do! I certainly hope that swordplay isn’t involved, however…

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **okay

well its really quite simple why i chose suny plattsburgh

1 — a perfectly fine school

2 — reputable sources (alecto) say that it doesnt really matter where you go to school, it matters what you make of it when youre there

she dropped out of rhode island school of design to go to community college and cosmetology school

so i think she knows what shes talking about

3 — all expenses paid scholarship INCLUDING room and board and even textbooks!!!!!!

4 — not associated at all with thaddeus j anvilhead, none of his family went there

5 — harriet went there, so going there will piss off thaddeus j whocares

6 — far enough away that harriet wont be tempted to just drive up for a quick visit

7 — its the next town over from where winslow homophobia school for boys used to be

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Well, almost all of those seem like perfectly reasonable, sensible, rational criteria to me.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** even #4? thats basically spite

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Never underestimate the motivational power of infuriating someone in authority. While I’ve been with Nanny for centuries because she’s just so irresistibly lovable, I must admit that I have devoted so much time and energy to this relationship precisely _ because _it frustrates my former head office.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, it is indeed the very soul of romance when one learns that one has been chosen by one’s ineffable spouse mostly to annoy the in-laws!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** What are you talking about, my dear darling demon? You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh. Right. I had that removed a while back.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Like Nanny said earlier, sweetheart, you know much better than we do what school would be best for you. Despite what certain teachers and mother’s friends think, you’re the expert on your own experience. I do wonder about #7, though.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Yes, why do you voluntarily wish to return to a place (or very close) where you experienced the profoundest misery of your life?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** because thats where my demons spawned

and thats where i have to face them

all the rage, all the loneliness, all the hurt, all the feeling of being outcast and misunderstood

they all converged and crystallized and sort of took form in dannemora

theres a prison there you know

clinton correctional facility

we used to joke that the second was the school

“what are you in for?” wed say

me and my friends

even though i had friends there

more friends than id ever had at one time in my life

we werent happy

we knew we were all serving time for something

oh wow

oh

my

gods

i just realized something?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** What is it, sweetheart?

  


**SubversiveSnark:** What is it, child?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i just remembered

we, the bad influences, had our own version of the glory glory hallelujah song

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** _The Battle Hymn of the Republic._

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school

we have tortured all the teachers, we have broken every rule

weve garotted the headmaster, and now finally were cool

the school is burning down!

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Well, there’s a song of rage, loneliness, hurt, and feeling outcast if I ever heard one. Yikes. I’m so sorry, child.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** we were of course never cool

we were pretty sure it would take either an act of god

or killing the headmaster to make that happen

hey

um

hellmom?

angeldad?

can i

um

tell you something?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Of course.

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Anything.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **i mean

you know how i said i went to the homophobia school for a while and i was so miserable that i left?

well that was true

but it wasnt like the whole truth

and the truth is

uh

i kind of burned it down

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Hellspawn!!

  


**SubversiveSnark:** Good riddance to an awful institution, but what about the children?! Were there any casualties?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well a lot of us got bruises and bangs and scrapes from running to safety

and some people went to the hospital for smoke inhalation

and the headmaster actually really did die six months later

but not because i garroted him

because the school was his entire life, and his heart was broken or something

if he even had a heart

which i sincerely doubt

but no, no major casualties like death or dismemberment or broken limbs or asphyxiation

dont worry

it was kind of like that time i burned down the 2nd congregation church

all very dramatic, but no harm, no foul

  


**SubversiveSnark:** What a relief!

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** I’m, uh, not quite sure how to react to this because I don’t feel like I have all the information. Can you tell us the full story, please?


	5. All Shall Be Burned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck tells how she sort of kind of burned down the Winslow Homophobia School.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah

so

me and my friends connie and drew and achmed and daneeva were called the bad influences

not that we did anything bad

we just existed while being queer and/or trans

and that attracted some bullies

who disrupted classes

which was blamed on us

like its our fault if some asshole kid decides to call one of us names under his breath

and then we punch him

and were the problem?!?!?!?!!?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, corrupt organizations, such as Heaven, Hell, and the Winslow Holm School for Boys, all work on similar principles. Those who conform are rewarded. Those who disrupt the system by revealing its unfairness are punished.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** so anyway

at the end of each semester

we used to do symbolic burnings of selected papers from hated classes

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Why was it so, erm, symbolic?

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **it was selected and symbolic because, the first time,

we tried to do all the papers from all the classes

but there were too many

so i said we had to narrow it down

anyway, the night before wed leave for break

wed go to this sort of fort/firepit that the kids had down in a hollow with a weedy sort of forest,

all full of these spindly little trees,

kind of by the main auditorium

at night

with candles and matches

and selected papers of course

and effigies of the worst teachers

just drawings really, but they were amazing

connie was a great artist

first we lit the candles and called on the winds of chaos and destruction

and also the devil

(because apparently chaos wasnt serious enough for drew, who was catholic)

hail chaos, mother of destruction,

blessed be the ashes of your fire

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Unsupervised children playing with fire?! This is indeed a repeat of the Second Congregational Church.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **dont worry, we had the ceremonial Readying Of The Fire Extinguishers too

safety first! like nanny always says

we built the fire, we lit it, we put the papers in

and wed say to each paper

(because achmeds mom had just gotten remarried and he remembered the vows and stuff)

with this flame i thee destroy

with this body i thee hate

when everything was burning

i had this whole spiel

which i dont remember

except for the line

“and now shall come down upon the earth the cleansing fire, and all shall be burned even unto the corpses in the graves”

and then we told chaos to go away

and roasted marshmallows and hot dogs

and drank soda and had burping contests

and sang the school is burning down song

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You have had a knack for figurative language and incantation for a while, I see! It’s very Biblical. I’m sure there’s something about cleansing fire in Revelations.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yeah i had to read a certain amount of the bible

to know what i was gonna be up against i mean

those king james version rhythms kind of get in your head

yea verily and jesus spake unto them, saying wtf is this shit?!

uh anyway

where was i?

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** At the closing of the rites, you sang your parody of the _ Battle Hymn. _

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay yeah

the last time we did the symbolic burning, it was a really really dry night

really windy too

the papers kept leaping out of the firepit, we had to catch them

after the second time i said we should call it a night

we wanted to put the fire all the way out

with water and fire extinguishers

which we were doing

but then a spark jumped onto the piles of selected papers

and those went up in flames

along with all the dead leaves

and those scrawny little trees too

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Oh no! Sweetheart! Just like the Congregational Church!

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **we ran out of the woods, we ran by the auditorium

then daneeva found sparks or coals or something on her hat and ripped it off 

she threw it down right in front of this old wooden schoolhouse

it was supposed to be where winslow homophobia taught his first students

we saw that go up and catch in some of the campus trees and spread to the dining hall

were tearing across the quad, wheezing and crying and screaming

then daneevas like, oh shit wheres drew?????

i said, you go on ahead, get help, ill go back for him

i run back the way we came, drew drew drew where are you????

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** You ran back for him?!

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** he was my friend, i wasnt gonna let him die because of my stupid mistake!!!

the complete doofus is back by the chapel trying to call the police

but his fingers keep slipping on his phone, he can barely see for all the smoke

he doesn’t realize its surrounding him

i grab onto him, he doesnt want to let go his phone

so i fling it into the fire and drag him along

were crawling as fast as we can because nanny said that if you go low, you have less chance of smoke inhalation

theres a spark or something in drews hair when we get out of the smoke

stop drop and roll drew!!! i tell him but he keeps freaking out

so i tackle him and roll him

and the fire that was on him gets into the grass

then the chapel starts burning, and im like HELLS YEAH!!!

because we all hated services

then we ran back to our dorm and evacuated with all the other kids

and so, in conclusion, thats the sordid tale of how i burned down winslow holm school for boys

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** What a harrowing adventure! You must have been so terrified! I’m so very proud of you, dear heart, that you kept your wits about you. While you must know that you never should have been playing with fire in the first place, _especially _after what happened with the Second Congregational Church, you did take all the safety precautions that Nanny and I recommended (except for going back into the fire to save someone, but I’m sure that was ill-advised, though brave). I am glad that you had the presence of mind to help Drew stop, drop, and roll. Mostly, I’m so very glad that you and your friends and everyone else survived safe and sound and that the only damage seems to have been to property.

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: **they never found out it was us, the bad influences

they ended up saying that the fire must have started when local teenagers were smoking down there

but yeah, everything kinda collapsed after that

the dining hall was about half toast (hah hah), and the older kids dorm wasnt burned, but it was ruined because of smoke damage 

it really wasnt very much that was burned, the schoolhouse, the chapel, and the admissions building (which was winslow homophobias boyhood house) were totaled, but they were just little wooden buildings

but to all the nostalgic weirdos who actually liked going there, the chapel, the homophobia house, and the schoolhouse were like the heart of the school

big donors started withdrawing support

they said, it wasnt in a safe location with bad influences from townies or something

then parents started coming to their senses and realizing that hey,

maybe it didnt look so good if you exiled your kid to some bleak frigid PRISON TOWN

harriet and thaddeus j doofusface pulled me out

the headmaster croaked

tl;dr thats the real reason i left that school — semi intentional arson

wait a minute

angeldad

WHERES NANNY???????????????

did i scare her off?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

did she run away because i did something evil?!?!?!!?!?!?

oh gods oh gods oh

  


**SubversiveSnark:** No, child, no! I’m right here. I have been all along. I was just temporarily indisposed.

  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** (She was crying.)

  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh thank the gods

i thought you

  


**SubversiveSnark:** No no no no, I’m right here, sweet hellspawn of mine. Nothing so minor as semi-intentional arson will keep me from you! Rest assured of that!


	6. A Choice to Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck explains why she's returning to a place where she experienced such misery. It involves dealing with her personal demons.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay phew

i love you hellmom

i love you too angeldad

thanks for listening

ive never told anyone that story before

not even arugula, not even alecto, not even my therapist

certainly not harriet or that other guy

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Well, thanks for trusting us enough to tell us a secret that you’ve been keeping for years. It must have been difficult to do so, and I appreciate that. It’s an honor to be one of those people that you trust so much!

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** i was worried at first because i didnt want you to be angry at me

or even worse, disappointed

but then, as i started to tell the story, it just came all flooding back

and i had to finish it, no matter what i felt

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale: ** Of course we’d listen to you. And of course we support you in all your endeavors, up to and including semi-intentionally destroying festering institutions of bigotry  _ and _ going to SUNY Plattsburgh. And, furthermore, while I’m certainly not trivializing your misery at that school and the terror of your misadventure with fire, I must confess to a certain pride. I’m not disappointed in you at all.

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Nor I.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** despite all the safety violations?!

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Well, as you are well aware, there are certain blights upon society that seem to flourish, flagrant in their wrongness, yet impervious to negative consequences. People may wish as hard as they can for such blights to die away, and yet they persist. Then, one day, an agent of long-awaited retribution arises, knocking the blight from its pedestal, crushing it underfoot like the grapes of wrath.

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** In other words, to get all King James Biblical about it… Fear not the wrath of Hell. Fear instead the  _ wrath of Heck, _ for it is a righteous rage. Her flames of anger shall sweep down across the wayward earth. They shall consume the houses of wrongdoing. They shall burn down the houses of homophobia and the houses of transphobia. They shall burn down the altars to bigotry and the temples to fear. The fire shall be a cleansing fire, and it shall smite the earth with a pain like unto the lancing of a wound. 

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow

  
  


**SubversiveSnark: ** And lo, after that pain, when the hatred be utterly scorched away, the people shall realize that they were misguided, and they shall repent of the error of their ways. They shall forswear their altars to bigotry. They shall destroy their idols made of fear. They shall say unto one another, “We have done wrong here, but now we must do right,” and they will embrace one another as kin. Then, where once was pain and suffering and sorrow, shall there be peace and good and darkness, and all will sing praises to Heck, whose fire hath brought about this peace. Amen.

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Amen!

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** okay

wow

just…

wow, i guess i really didnt expect you to be PROUD

but hey you did raise me to be the antichrist and all

it stands to reason that youd be happy that i was doing something borderline evil

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** You acted irresponsibly, but with ultimately beneficial results. That’s not the same as acting maliciously, with ultimately negative results.

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** While we can’t condone your means, we are quite proud of the ends you achieved. And yet…

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and yet what?

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale: ** I still don’t understand why you count it as a positive that SUNY Plattsburgh is right next to Dannemora?

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** well, like i told you,

thats where my demons took form

i set fire to that place and ran away

but it was never a cleansing fire

they never went away

they just went into hibernation

and theyve been waiting for me ever since

and now…

well, now i think im ready to go back to meet them

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** And you’re planning to do...what exactly? Crush them with your heel?

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** no...i just…

well i hated dannemora and upstate

i associated it with clouds and gloom and imprisonment and despair

and it was no fun even trying to be goth there

because you have to have a sense of humor if youre gonna be goth

but we were all too miserable, being bullied and blamed,

to have much of a sense of humor

IT

WAS   
HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but this time its different

im going to upstate new york because i want to

because i CHOOSE to

because im going for EDUCATION

not incarceration

ill be free from thaddeus j dungheaps influence because i wont be at harvard

and from harriets because i wont be living with her

ill learn things and explore

maybe there are even some cool cemeteries up there to hang out in

then i can associate upstate with

LEARNING and maybe even FUN

and MATURITY and SURVIVAL

and a whole heaping dose of FUCK YOU WINSLOW HOMOPHOBIA

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Ahhhh, I see. You’re going back into the belly of the beast, as it were.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and coming out victorious!!!!!

stomping around militantly!!!!

probably singing another parody of glory glory hallelujah!!!

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Heck went upstate to school (yah)!

She overcame her past

And kicked old Winslow’s ass!

Our hellspawn conquers all!

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** ha ha!!!

you know mom, for a demon youre very good with the whole christian rhetoric

king james version and hymns and all

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** To understand the enemy, one must think like the enemy. To do that, one must study the enemy’s writings.


	7. Can I Hear a WAHOO?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck tells the most important reason of hers for going back to the scene of the crime. Nanny and Aziraphale threaten to visit her on campus.

**HecateCreepyCrawly:** and you know another reason im going back there?

its because im not alone!!!!!!!!!!

i have friends and allies

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** And family! Don’t forget your devoting, doting parents!

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly: ** arugulas going to hamilton (the year after next) which is semi-nearby

and of course im keeping in touch with alecto

harriets got family in champlain and peru who are actually kind of cool

and harriet herself is on my side, at least in terms of my school choice

and ive got you two!!!!!

(of course i wouldnt forget you you dinguses!)

ill never ever ever be that lonely again

and ill make something good out of it because i have so many people who will help me!!!!!!!

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** That’s the spirit, sweetheart! Such a confident outlook will serve you well with all the upheaval that a first year at university brings. I am quite certain that you will be able to face your (metaphorical) demons and do whatever it is you need to do with them, while also fulfilling your goal of finding the best education you can at SUNY Plattsburgh!

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** We love you so very, very, very much, child, and we’re so happy that you’ve finally decided on a school and put that labor behind you. Take a moment to congratulate yourself on a job well done! Can I hear a WAHOO?

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** only if you do one too

i wanna hear nanny do a WAHOO

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** You first.

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** WAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

go me!!!!!!

  
  


**SubversiveSnark: ** ** _WAHOOOOOO!!!!_ **

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** wow

im just

im floored here

really

angeldad did you see those cheerleader moves she was doing along with that WAHOO?!?!?!?!?!?!

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** What cheerleader moves?

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Yes. Yes, I did. They were quite...impressive.

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Well, I never — ! The very cheek of you two, insinuating that I would put on a short skirt and jump around while doing high kicks!

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** Who said anything about a  _ short _ skirt? The reason the performance was so impressive was that you wear wearing a skirt of your usual length.

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** You know what? I’m changing the topic…

Child! I just had a lovely idea, but I wanted to see what you thought.

What do you say to us visiting you on campus?

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** yes yes yes yes yes YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

oh gods oh gods oh gods yes PLEASE!!!!!!

that would be the best thing in the world!!!!!

i would be so!!!! very!!!! happy!!!! if you would come up and see me!!!!

and maybe we could compensate for some of those times that we never saw each other when i was at the homophobia school because we were both still busy thinking that we all hated each other

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** If you like, we could even help you move in on your first day…

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** um, well

i mean...harriet and i are already doing kind of a road trip

were gonna drive up and visit her family in the area

then loop back down around to campus

so im not sure that would work

also i think you guys need to meet her (again) before you just show up on campus on opening day, oh hi, were hecks hellmom and angeldad!!!

uh please dont do that, that would be awkward

but if you want to visit me at school, you could come over labor day weekend

its early in september

a week or two after classes start

and harriet wont be there

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Oh, that will be perfect!

And I hear that people do something called “leaf peeping” up there at that time of year. Do you know what that is?

  
  


**HecateCreepyCrawly:** oh yeah!

all the leaves on all the deciduous trees turn really beautiful colors

(well, if the weathers good)

the maple trees turn red and orange and even sometimes a bit yellow, like all the colors of a flame blended together

and the birches are yellow

and the oaks are brown

and everythings just dying in an extremely aesthetically pleasing way

its basically goth heaven

uh wait

thats probably a turn off for you huh?

its like...like...goth dreams come true!!!!!!!!

  
  


**PrincipallyAziraphale:** O joy. I can’t wait.

  
  


**SubversiveSnark:** Get in the car, angel! Come September, we’re going to Gothville!


End file.
